The Sky is Falling!

I am not the person that sees a shooting star and makes a wish. Who looks at it and thinks of the person they have always wanted and imagines them together. I do not pick up pennies heads up only, in hopes of a better day. That is ridiculous, immature, and quiet frankly a load of hogwash.

At one point I was. I was weak and pathetic. I would pin wishes on stars and holding my breath through tunnels. I depended on those little good luck charms to make things happen, to absolutely no avail.

I look at shooting stars and know how great things are. I see the beauty in them and realize that the beauty seen there is also in every aspect of life. In love, happiness, and wonder. In fantasy, imagination, and creation. It is the spark that makes life worth living.

Cool Off Man

Off to the mysterious Land of Zea... Should be interesting, maybe I will find a new calling down there, or just hang out for awhile, cool part is, if I get bored down there I'm so close to Australia I could hope over.

Already this post has pissed me off, I don't like hearing myself talk, or reading it for that matter. Um yeah...

Okay why am I bitter all of a sudden? I dunno life is just that way sometimes I guess.

Take it easy.

Go Big or Go Home...

There are a lot of things that I want to do in my life, and for some reason I feel like I have to do them all right now. Perhaps this is a healthy feeling for someone my age. Maybe this would be closer to someone going through a midlife crisis realizing that there is only so much left to do. Honestly I couldn't tell you. I'm still 22 and have done a lot for even that age. The problem is it never feels like enough. So what I've been to 30some countries, there are still well over 100 that I haven't been to! I've rode a motorcycle across the USA and gotten in two near death crashes! So? There are a lot of countries I haven't rode across! Nothing is good enough for me. What I do seems to be alright and unimpressive.

Go big or go home... And here I am, at home. I feel like I am setting the bar for the average person, and if I can't do better than that then why do I even bother?

I feel this is all very vain, but I also feel this is how my mind works. The only American part of my thinking; Go big or go Home.

Sightless Sounds

Everything feels kinda weird all of a sudden. Like something is going on and I should know what it is (because I am part of it) yet I have no idea what it is. It's everywhere around me, I just can't see it.

Today I heard something very loud. Completely silent, but I could hear it, and it was painful. Hasn't been the first time I've heard that deafening silence.

There is something very important going on, something very large. You may not be able to perceive it, but it is there and when it's your time it will be much too late.

Escapism

Escapism is a very correct word for what I want to do, and quiet honestly fits the bill perfect for the drinking I do almost every night. But my activities have stopped fitting the bill, I'm not satisfied with them and I want to escape deeper. I want to lose all of my friends at times just say "fuck you" and see if they ever bother with me again. Basicaly I want to see if they are real friends.

But it's not just them, I immensly dislike where I am. Why for? I don't know I say I haven't found a better place than Ashland to be, but when I'm here I'm almost miserable, and more than half an alcoholic.

Where do I want to go? I don't know. I never know.

This is all about me. I know only one person is going to read this. Perhaps this is a call out, but you already know all of this.

To anybody else, I'm tired.

P.S. Fuck the spellcheck.

A wonderful little story about two books.

This may be the best way to get any points accross at this place in my life, maybe I too can screw this up for the worse.

I have a problem, what it is I don't know but I know it's there. An addiction? perhaps it is. To what? That is what I don't know. Do I really lie to myself, do I really make up the stories in my head?

This isn't right. You're not supposed to question your own thoughts making sure that you are thinking from a credible stand point. It is something that is extremely hard to grasp but is going on the entire time behind your beautiful closed eyes.

What am I really? Am I a horrible person? I have a lot of people tell me I am, mostly in jest, but there is always truth to humor and there is always reason for the truth.

I want to abandon everything right now. Run. Get away from anyone I may be a ble to hurt with an ill thought. Run away to a place where people can't see me, and all I'll be is another face with holes in it's head. I want to know myself. I want to know who I'm hiding from the world, and if they are really that bad that I need to hide them. The good I do feels like a chore, it feels like I do it out of self gain. Is this true to me? I hate myself.

Forgetting My Underpants.

Here I am trying to type this with one hand... It's a bitch and quite slow but I'll deal with it.

I'm really disappointed with where I am right now. I feel as if the last three months only enabled me to look into what my everyday life is and see that it's quite undesirable. I don't have any reason to stick around and really wonder why I don't just move on.

I've also hurt people. I don't like it, and I wish that it had never been an issue, but what can I really do now? It's all in the past and I've managed to screw things up in more ways than one. I'm not at all happy about the things I did, and I'm even less happy about the way I feel.

Me me me... That's really all it's about and that in itself bothers me. I've forgotten how to live.

589 Maple Avenue

Loving every minute of every charming little world running by I slowly sit here to question the things that may have once been real. I've never been on these wheels going quite so fast that I feel as if I could fly, I'd like to spend some time in a proper jacket, one with long arms and a slightly stripped pattern.

The jacket once let the world open up through one of its pockets, but in years since it has been clogged up with a sort of garish pocket lint. While some believe this lint is what is making this world come to a stand still. I am the one who knows about the musk rats.

The rats have made a place for themselves in a very important attic in a house only know as 589 Maple Avenue. In this house you can find the three most powerful objects of our time. One is the jacket, the other two however are much less obvious and without the proper point of views and attires one would not be able to find them.

The second shall only be known as the pirate snow beards personal laundry. If this is what it actually is no one knows for certain all we do know it that it is a pile of rags smelling slightly of mildew and heavily of chloroform.

The third item only you can find.

ping pong

My head is spinning into itself slowly as I let go of the bowling balls.

I I I I...

Sitting, starring into nothing, well not quite nothing, the computer screen is technically a vacum which means there is nothing in there, but that's far from the current point.

What is the current point? That is a good question, I really don't have a clue if I was even trying to make a point all I know right now is that I'm wearing boots.

I'm really angry? I dunno maybe so, I feel like I need to vent. I look at things and I picture throwing them across the room and watching them shatter into hundreds of little pieces.

Is this what beer has done to me? I think that when I leave I will leave a scar way to big to not notice. A scar on the mountain a scar on my soul.

I want someone to punch me right now.

And I'm not spell checking this one... I don't give a fuck right now.

Thirtysix Fortysix

This is it
For here lay the doormat
It will question
Without cruel sensation

We know things
Gather in the grassland
Always sleep in
Forget about Paris

Goodbye love
Long have I seen penguins
Places seem far
Challenge me for a doze

~chainsaws it all

There is just a little bit too much tension between the two of us, I'd really like for it to subside, but what kind of tension would it be?

I just wish you'd kiss me, or let me kiss you for that matter. I don't know what you want and that would be all I would need. You'd be able to figure it out depending on the kiss.

I'd love for you to yell at me, tell me to leave, get everything out on the floor. For you to tell me that my life is a waste and that my dreams will get me nowhere. Just do it, I need the push, see if I even bother to come around for dinner.

What do you really want? You say one thing, and then do another, I don't mind but like I said it creates tension. I may not be around for much longer but I'd still like to let you know just how I feel.

I really don't need to listen to any of it at all; do you understand why I stay out so late? Why when I am around I sit quietly trying my best to avoid detection. You really don't get what I need, or what I want.

Bottoms up, a miserable way to deal with it all but as long as I disguise it as having a fun time with friends I won't be that bad off.

Looking Forward

Out on the edge of forever, at any moment getting ready to race down into it, being able to see nothing but trees with expanses far beyond. What am I to do? Race of course; plummet into the darkness, knowing that I will survive only if I believe it. So I will. I will not just survive I will prosper, I will look back and realize that the life that just flashed before me was not what I expected at any point before then, it was amazing...

So back we come to moments before the plunge, trying to imagine how it will all turn out. We can't know; if we did it wouldn't be living

Hawaiian Shirts

There I was, just sitting there thinking of how great I'd look in a 1940's Hawaiian shirt. Not just the shirt I'd say but also maybe some leather strap sandals and rugged khaki shorts that came to just below the knees. On my head I'm wearing a pair of gun metal aviators with lens that would be just a hair too large for anyone else. A hat? I've never looked good in baseball caps and a safari hat would be a little cliche. More then likely the hair that I have right now a little rugged, but not out of control. Clean shaven surprisingly somehow. And there I am in the market, I think the small lady is Indonesian could be Malaysian though, it doesn't matter too much the fact is it's a small market and I'm buying bananas for a price that would be unheard of in a developed nation. And there it is, the ocean, bright blue waters, with a beach that looks like something out of one of those movies, you know, palm trees and thatched huts. This is where I'm supposed to be, without a care in the world.

Release

My life has gotten quite full all of a sudden... It went from doing nothing sitting on the computer all day, walking 11 miles and just generally monotonous. To what it is now. A non stop conglomeration of work, hanging out with friends, and sleep when I feel like squeezing it in. I used to do this back when high school first got out but many friends and activities departed with college. Have I finally caught up with my college? This past year has been one of learning and doing things that many people never achieve in their entire life. That makes me happy as well as sad. I wish that more people could live without the care of themselves and worries about all those little things that don't really matter. I've said it once and this is far from the last time you'll hear it from me... Do what makes you happy. Don't give a fuck what other people are going to think of you, it's their loss that they are too stuck up to take a moment and laugh at all the things that are actually funny.

I needed to say these things, I honestly needed to say a lot more then what is here right now, but my fingers are rusty and I should leave something for another day when I feel like I need to say something.