Fatigue

Fatigue.
This feeling was once loved of me, I felt like I was so close to being invincible just by being tired.
I can't do it anymore, it gets late and my eyes start to sink, I can feel sleep knocking and I know that would be nice to answer.

Perhaps I have no more good reasons to be awake, to keep myself going.
I don't know I could make a lot of bad connections to this, but for the time being I think I will just fade off to sleep.

The buildings that we call poems.

Where are we?
On this planet,
in this town.
Without a hope for peace.

This is a sad day,
one of regrets and chaos,
one that means absolutely nothing in the end.

Flowers will cry.
Stars will create life
within their explosions.
We will fall down.

Let us rise against
those who surpress us,
the ones that try to make us hungry
for false informatiion and sex.
We can be heard.

I will be just as quiet
as those stars,
those flowers,
those falls.

This is all.

Do you ever wonder about your destiny? Wonder what’s actually going on? Here I am, I’ve been told most of my life that I’m different. That I’m special, that I do things differently. But why? Is it the same usual bullshit someone will tell you when they want you to feel better about your shortcomings? Or is it actual truth? Am I really that special of a person?

I will admit I feel special, but I also feel that everyone wants to feel special in some way or another. I mean who wants to be “normal”? I felt like that for a long while, but then at the same time I have a lot of people telling me things like “I’m always glad to be around you” and “I’m happy you’re you” Now this could be just general compliments, but when it comes from people that may not have the most “normal” views on life it makes me feel like there might actually be something to all this bullshit “good” feelings. Maybe I am just a weirdo.

That is all.

Attempted Redemption of a Dirtbag

What is it about me? Why Do I decide one thing in my head and then within three beers suddenly my original idea is null and void? Can I really not control myself under intoxication? I've always considered myself strong willed, but am I really? I'm very stubborn that will never change, but maybe my will isn't as strong as I thought it once was. It's my vices... I would have never thought that I'd have vices, I guess that was my biggest mistake in the first place. Booze and women, like so many others that have fallen for the same two things. The biggest problem is one usually leads to the other, I find that avoiding girls while sober is rather easy, I can flirt but usually give way to my awkwardness and it never become more than giggles. Get two beers in me, and suddenly her watch is something I can start a conversation with, my beard is something that seals the deal with her never have kissing one before. It's great if I'm looking, but in the end it's looking in the wrong places, forming a relationship in one night, that would have never amounted to anything if it wasn't for those two or three beers. Luckily for me I have been smart enough to know when to stop, admittedly there have been more than once where my judgement has lapsed more than I would like. But in the end it's in the past. I don't look down on myself for what I've done, but what I've told myself.

There is one thing that could change it all, being love, but it's for a girl that right now I have no idea if even thinks of me. This isn't the usual staring across the coffee shop wishing to have the courage to talk. No, this is a girl who I love and have loved. At one point she said she loved me. But being the dumb boy that I am I threw it all away for pretty much nothing, a few drinks and a lapse in judgement. She forgave me once and then I messed it up again, in pretty much the same manner. For a time I thought we were separate and friends but that proved very wrong. She was still watching me, even while she had her own boyfriend she still had expectation of me "as a friend" she would claim. I hold nothing against her, I find somethings odd, but I have nothing but love for her. After all the times she's forgave me it's the least I can do. One day she put a very large crack threw my heart, saying we shouldn't even talk for the time. This hurt me a lot, although I can only imagine it's nothing compared to how I made her feel. Ever since that day (and many before it) I think of her everyday. Sometimes its little things that make remind me of her, other days its like right now, with me reflecting on how much I don't deserve her.

As I started on about love I guess I should do a better job at connecting my vices and my love. If I knew that I would have her back, even in years, I would never so much as kiss another woman. Drinking is something that I will not give up anytime soon, being as it is my chosen career path, but even then I can moderate myself, and for love that would be easy as turning off a tap. I very well know I should go about changing my ways just the same, and I do try. But why for? I don't want to stop looking for a companion just to realize two years down the line I should have been. No, this is all bullshit. I know very well I need to follow my heart, even if it is into a dead end. I guess the biggest thing is that I get lonely, and when I get too lonely I get depressed. This is why I like fighting fires. My summer is so occupied with work I haven't time to get lonely, why do you think I dread my days off? I have nothing to occupy myself with, and more often than not I turn to my vices.

I wish there was an easy way to put everything right, but I very well know that there is not, this is life, if it was easy what would the fun be? I'm always up for the challenge so I might as well start now, being "good". Finding other things to fill my time, only enjoying one or two beers a night, only letting myself get drunk one night a month, and not caring if I miss it. But even then not getting out of control, just getting pleasant with good people, after all I'm young, I should still enjoy things. I should say women are now out of the picture, but I know that would be stupid in ways. So as a good rule, take it slowly, snails pace if not slower.

Why do I write all this? It's what I felt like writing when I sat down. Who is going to read this? Maybe nobody, although there are some people that used to read my blog, maybe they will, of course they are good friends and should know a great deal about this, even if this is how they find out. There is one person who will read this and it may mean something to them, or they may dismiss it as more bullshit from the mouth of a dirtbag. After all I will admit to being a dirtbag. No matter who reads this thanks for taking the time to do it, I wish you the best.

Hold back

I am the bad guy
The sleezy dirtbag
Never even knowing it

But it's true
I never wanted to be
In my head I was right
Out here I am still wrong.

You'll read this
And I'll cry.

There is a problem with being right
I can't stand being wrong
It's a problem

I was a knight
A dark one perhaps
With secrets
All for not

You were right
And that pains me

The Sky is Falling!

I am not the person that sees a shooting star and makes a wish. Who looks at it and thinks of the person they have always wanted and imagines them together. I do not pick up pennies heads up only, in hopes of a better day. That is ridiculous, immature, and quiet frankly a load of hogwash.

At one point I was. I was weak and pathetic. I would pin wishes on stars and holding my breath through tunnels. I depended on those little good luck charms to make things happen, to absolutely no avail.

I look at shooting stars and know how great things are. I see the beauty in them and realize that the beauty seen there is also in every aspect of life. In love, happiness, and wonder. In fantasy, imagination, and creation. It is the spark that makes life worth living.

Cool Off Man

Off to the mysterious Land of Zea... Should be interesting, maybe I will find a new calling down there, or just hang out for awhile, cool part is, if I get bored down there I'm so close to Australia I could hope over.

Already this post has pissed me off, I don't like hearing myself talk, or reading it for that matter. Um yeah...

Okay why am I bitter all of a sudden? I dunno life is just that way sometimes I guess.

Take it easy.

Go Big or Go Home...

There are a lot of things that I want to do in my life, and for some reason I feel like I have to do them all right now. Perhaps this is a healthy feeling for someone my age. Maybe this would be closer to someone going through a midlife crisis realizing that there is only so much left to do. Honestly I couldn't tell you. I'm still 22 and have done a lot for even that age. The problem is it never feels like enough. So what I've been to 30some countries, there are still well over 100 that I haven't been to! I've rode a motorcycle across the USA and gotten in two near death crashes! So? There are a lot of countries I haven't rode across! Nothing is good enough for me. What I do seems to be alright and unimpressive.

Go big or go home... And here I am, at home. I feel like I am setting the bar for the average person, and if I can't do better than that then why do I even bother?

I feel this is all very vain, but I also feel this is how my mind works. The only American part of my thinking; Go big or go Home.

Sightless Sounds

Everything feels kinda weird all of a sudden. Like something is going on and I should know what it is (because I am part of it) yet I have no idea what it is. It's everywhere around me, I just can't see it.

Today I heard something very loud. Completely silent, but I could hear it, and it was painful. Hasn't been the first time I've heard that deafening silence.

There is something very important going on, something very large. You may not be able to perceive it, but it is there and when it's your time it will be much too late.

Escapism

Escapism is a very correct word for what I want to do, and quiet honestly fits the bill perfect for the drinking I do almost every night. But my activities have stopped fitting the bill, I'm not satisfied with them and I want to escape deeper. I want to lose all of my friends at times just say "fuck you" and see if they ever bother with me again. Basicaly I want to see if they are real friends.

But it's not just them, I immensly dislike where I am. Why for? I don't know I say I haven't found a better place than Ashland to be, but when I'm here I'm almost miserable, and more than half an alcoholic.

Where do I want to go? I don't know. I never know.

This is all about me. I know only one person is going to read this. Perhaps this is a call out, but you already know all of this.

To anybody else, I'm tired.

P.S. Fuck the spellcheck.

A wonderful little story about two books.

This may be the best way to get any points accross at this place in my life, maybe I too can screw this up for the worse.

I have a problem, what it is I don't know but I know it's there. An addiction? perhaps it is. To what? That is what I don't know. Do I really lie to myself, do I really make up the stories in my head?

This isn't right. You're not supposed to question your own thoughts making sure that you are thinking from a credible stand point. It is something that is extremely hard to grasp but is going on the entire time behind your beautiful closed eyes.

What am I really? Am I a horrible person? I have a lot of people tell me I am, mostly in jest, but there is always truth to humor and there is always reason for the truth.

I want to abandon everything right now. Run. Get away from anyone I may be a ble to hurt with an ill thought. Run away to a place where people can't see me, and all I'll be is another face with holes in it's head. I want to know myself. I want to know who I'm hiding from the world, and if they are really that bad that I need to hide them. The good I do feels like a chore, it feels like I do it out of self gain. Is this true to me? I hate myself.

Forgetting My Underpants.

Here I am trying to type this with one hand... It's a bitch and quite slow but I'll deal with it.

I'm really disappointed with where I am right now. I feel as if the last three months only enabled me to look into what my everyday life is and see that it's quite undesirable. I don't have any reason to stick around and really wonder why I don't just move on.

I've also hurt people. I don't like it, and I wish that it had never been an issue, but what can I really do now? It's all in the past and I've managed to screw things up in more ways than one. I'm not at all happy about the things I did, and I'm even less happy about the way I feel.

Me me me... That's really all it's about and that in itself bothers me. I've forgotten how to live.