Attempted Redemption of a Dirtbag

What is it about me? Why Do I decide one thing in my head and then within three beers suddenly my original idea is null and void? Can I really not control myself under intoxication? I've always considered myself strong willed, but am I really? I'm very stubborn that will never change, but maybe my will isn't as strong as I thought it once was. It's my vices... I would have never thought that I'd have vices, I guess that was my biggest mistake in the first place. Booze and women, like so many others that have fallen for the same two things. The biggest problem is one usually leads to the other, I find that avoiding girls while sober is rather easy, I can flirt but usually give way to my awkwardness and it never become more than giggles. Get two beers in me, and suddenly her watch is something I can start a conversation with, my beard is something that seals the deal with her never have kissing one before. It's great if I'm looking, but in the end it's looking in the wrong places, forming a relationship in one night, that would have never amounted to anything if it wasn't for those two or three beers. Luckily for me I have been smart enough to know when to stop, admittedly there have been more than once where my judgement has lapsed more than I would like. But in the end it's in the past. I don't look down on myself for what I've done, but what I've told myself.

There is one thing that could change it all, being love, but it's for a girl that right now I have no idea if even thinks of me. This isn't the usual staring across the coffee shop wishing to have the courage to talk. No, this is a girl who I love and have loved. At one point she said she loved me. But being the dumb boy that I am I threw it all away for pretty much nothing, a few drinks and a lapse in judgement. She forgave me once and then I messed it up again, in pretty much the same manner. For a time I thought we were separate and friends but that proved very wrong. She was still watching me, even while she had her own boyfriend she still had expectation of me "as a friend" she would claim. I hold nothing against her, I find somethings odd, but I have nothing but love for her. After all the times she's forgave me it's the least I can do. One day she put a very large crack threw my heart, saying we shouldn't even talk for the time. This hurt me a lot, although I can only imagine it's nothing compared to how I made her feel. Ever since that day (and many before it) I think of her everyday. Sometimes its little things that make remind me of her, other days its like right now, with me reflecting on how much I don't deserve her.

As I started on about love I guess I should do a better job at connecting my vices and my love. If I knew that I would have her back, even in years, I would never so much as kiss another woman. Drinking is something that I will not give up anytime soon, being as it is my chosen career path, but even then I can moderate myself, and for love that would be easy as turning off a tap. I very well know I should go about changing my ways just the same, and I do try. But why for? I don't want to stop looking for a companion just to realize two years down the line I should have been. No, this is all bullshit. I know very well I need to follow my heart, even if it is into a dead end. I guess the biggest thing is that I get lonely, and when I get too lonely I get depressed. This is why I like fighting fires. My summer is so occupied with work I haven't time to get lonely, why do you think I dread my days off? I have nothing to occupy myself with, and more often than not I turn to my vices.

I wish there was an easy way to put everything right, but I very well know that there is not, this is life, if it was easy what would the fun be? I'm always up for the challenge so I might as well start now, being "good". Finding other things to fill my time, only enjoying one or two beers a night, only letting myself get drunk one night a month, and not caring if I miss it. But even then not getting out of control, just getting pleasant with good people, after all I'm young, I should still enjoy things. I should say women are now out of the picture, but I know that would be stupid in ways. So as a good rule, take it slowly, snails pace if not slower.

Why do I write all this? It's what I felt like writing when I sat down. Who is going to read this? Maybe nobody, although there are some people that used to read my blog, maybe they will, of course they are good friends and should know a great deal about this, even if this is how they find out. There is one person who will read this and it may mean something to them, or they may dismiss it as more bullshit from the mouth of a dirtbag. After all I will admit to being a dirtbag. No matter who reads this thanks for taking the time to do it, I wish you the best.