~chainsaws it all

There is just a little bit too much tension between the two of us, I'd really like for it to subside, but what kind of tension would it be?

I just wish you'd kiss me, or let me kiss you for that matter. I don't know what you want and that would be all I would need. You'd be able to figure it out depending on the kiss.

I'd love for you to yell at me, tell me to leave, get everything out on the floor. For you to tell me that my life is a waste and that my dreams will get me nowhere. Just do it, I need the push, see if I even bother to come around for dinner.

What do you really want? You say one thing, and then do another, I don't mind but like I said it creates tension. I may not be around for much longer but I'd still like to let you know just how I feel.

I really don't need to listen to any of it at all; do you understand why I stay out so late? Why when I am around I sit quietly trying my best to avoid detection. You really don't get what I need, or what I want.

Bottoms up, a miserable way to deal with it all but as long as I disguise it as having a fun time with friends I won't be that bad off.

Looking Forward

Out on the edge of forever, at any moment getting ready to race down into it, being able to see nothing but trees with expanses far beyond. What am I to do? Race of course; plummet into the darkness, knowing that I will survive only if I believe it. So I will. I will not just survive I will prosper, I will look back and realize that the life that just flashed before me was not what I expected at any point before then, it was amazing...

So back we come to moments before the plunge, trying to imagine how it will all turn out. We can't know; if we did it wouldn't be living

Hawaiian Shirts

There I was, just sitting there thinking of how great I'd look in a 1940's Hawaiian shirt. Not just the shirt I'd say but also maybe some leather strap sandals and rugged khaki shorts that came to just below the knees. On my head I'm wearing a pair of gun metal aviators with lens that would be just a hair too large for anyone else. A hat? I've never looked good in baseball caps and a safari hat would be a little cliche. More then likely the hair that I have right now a little rugged, but not out of control. Clean shaven surprisingly somehow. And there I am in the market, I think the small lady is Indonesian could be Malaysian though, it doesn't matter too much the fact is it's a small market and I'm buying bananas for a price that would be unheard of in a developed nation. And there it is, the ocean, bright blue waters, with a beach that looks like something out of one of those movies, you know, palm trees and thatched huts. This is where I'm supposed to be, without a care in the world.

Release

My life has gotten quite full all of a sudden... It went from doing nothing sitting on the computer all day, walking 11 miles and just generally monotonous. To what it is now. A non stop conglomeration of work, hanging out with friends, and sleep when I feel like squeezing it in. I used to do this back when high school first got out but many friends and activities departed with college. Have I finally caught up with my college? This past year has been one of learning and doing things that many people never achieve in their entire life. That makes me happy as well as sad. I wish that more people could live without the care of themselves and worries about all those little things that don't really matter. I've said it once and this is far from the last time you'll hear it from me... Do what makes you happy. Don't give a fuck what other people are going to think of you, it's their loss that they are too stuck up to take a moment and laugh at all the things that are actually funny.

I needed to say these things, I honestly needed to say a lot more then what is here right now, but my fingers are rusty and I should leave something for another day when I feel like I need to say something.

Same cat, different girl.

So here we are again, just sorta sitting and chatting, trying to figure out exactly what is going on... well, I am you're probably actually thinking about what we're talking about, like our beers, Frisbees, your cat named Fennel? In all honesty I've lost track, mainly because my head is in the clouds, partly because of the beer, but mostly because of you. And we’ll talk in circles, well you’ll keep talking about your cat Fennel, but I'll keep thinking in circles, trying to find that perfect landing spot but constantly in the clouds. Every time I see a little bit of runway (which after two beers is more often then not) I try to land, only to see you cat Fennel jump out of nowhere and there I go and blow my landing. Oh, well he seems like a nice cat.

So the three of us, you, me and your cat Fennel, have gone about this more then once, it seems like an almost weekly thing now. Beer, clouds, and Fennel... I really like spending time with your cat so yeah it's cool.

Alright now we're both drunk, this should make things easy, but no, it's actually quite hard, it's like taking a jelly donut and telling it to roll over. It should be easy but it's a frigging jelly donut. Does your cat Fennel like donuts? He can have a piece of mine. And you're tired. Well I'm going to tuck you in with Fennel and walk home, don't worry it's only like two miles, enjoy your night with Fennel. I'll see you later.

I'd just like to tell you it's been really good getting to know you (and your cat Fennel for that matter) but I'm leaving for a time. Yeah I don't really know where I'm going just leaving for a time. Probably multiple months, you know the whole wander the earth trying to find an answer sorta thing, just not quite so intense, maybe call it a "soul quest lite". Okay see you later, I'll make sure to send Fennel a postcard. Awkward hug and goodbye...

Dear Fennel,
The road life is great, seeing things that I never though I would. Hopefully I'll be back around your way soon but it's hard to say. Tell her that I love her. Until next time!
Always,
JHC

The Night

This is a night to dance, to sing, to enjoy.

Joy

There is something about actually living that makes everything else just sorta fall by the roadside.

Life is so amazing, actually feeling the blood not just pumping but rushing through your veins is something that we should all feel everyday. You see things in completely different lights, the things you walked underneath every single day suddenly become something you stop and admire.

There is a small symphony in my head and it is playing the most amazing melody I've ever heard.

Left for the Right Field

I have yet to see anything of any real use come out of me for a time.

Why? Is the question I ask. The answer I receive does not come to me, for it is lacking heart and heat.

We will go on of course, but not after telling a story of several individuals.

I'll go ahead and say it, I am dilemma'd beyond what I know what to do. And I am only dilemma'd because of my utter lack of tact and fear of that lack messing up more then I'd like it to.

Deeper we go.

Let’s say that I cared for someone immensely, and they just stood there and called for me. The call was in some other language and I could not tell what it meant. So here I am, trying to get closer just so I can understand what is going on, all the while this person, (she) is creating a more and more, less comprehendible call. So there I am just getting further from her as I take steps closer. The question will remain and I will be confused. I will go to great lengths for shear uncertainties, all for what? The same chance I'd have before those risks.

I don't know what I just said, take it how you will.

On a lighter note I want to go sky-diving.

All the way since January

There have been many times when I forget about this place and today would almost have been one if it was not for Ecuador.

So here I am, sitting and typing, I feel like you do after a long day in the sun, not so much tired as burnt-out, but definitely tired. I hope you all know what I mean. It also currently feels like I got in half of a fight, between the bruises on my jaw line, and the scraps in random parts of my body. All of this from one bottle of champagne. Champagne is wonderful, definitely my choice beverage for getting fucked up on. So I think that you all might want me to get on with the story, so here it goes...

There I was standing it the middle of the forest, not actually wanting to be there for I knew bad things were to come of it. What bad things? I can't verbalize or vocalize the horror of these things other then they might just be the most amazing things ever. So there I was in the forest, realizing that not wanting to be there was why I was there, I was there to know these things I was there to let it wash over me, I was there to find happiness.

The happiness was wrapped in a few layers and one of which was resentment, another jealousy, and more still were they flowing. These are not things you’d associate with happiness because you can't normally see through them, but the more you seek out these things the more you realize that the happiness is behind the scales. You don't want to feel these things but you can't help it. And then I died.

I don't know what killed me, it was like a gunshot, out of nowhere and I can still feel the wound. I bled out all of my joy and malice, all of my hard ache and camaraderie, I was empty for a time, and time passed.

Crying was what happened, but not the kind for tears, cries for help, cries for someone to share this experience with, and there I was, hoping to have someone come and tell me that they knew, that they were in the forest too, that they had seen my pool of self and had washed it with me.

There was something there that helped me. Something entirely beyond physical comprehension, that was telling me where to dig the bullet out. So I was there letting myself be controlled by this thing without knowing that it was building a cage around me as I healed. A cage that one could get out of with a simple slip of the hand, but if you didn’t know the handshake you'd be left for dead. And all I could do was wait.

I'm waiting right now, and I know nothing. I am on the verge of tears, my heart is already bleeding. Why for, you may ask? All I can tell you is that it's a dilemma, a lot of dilemma.

This moment.

Here I am, the feeling traveling through my body is more intense then anything I have felt in recent years. More real then anything I've ever sensed. The feeling is just so right. If I could put it to words I would not be able to do it justice. Perhaps pictures, sounds, or scents might do a better job. This feeling is like walking to the top of a tall mountain and seeing the vast world below you. This is not intimidating but much rather enlightening to see what you are part of. You see the entirety of the world; almost as if you are part of the trees the clouds and the earth. This feeling is the perfect sound; raindrops pattering around you while there is absolutely no other noise besides the rhythmic breathing of your lungs. The sound is so empty yet so full at the same time you feel as though you are melting away into the raindrops and will soon become part of the life force of the planet. I feel amazing, invincible, and calm. Here I am, feeling more right then anything.

Gaggles of Giggles

I could write all about you, how you make me feel, how I can't get you out of my head, or how I sometimes think you're too good for me. But honestly that would be way too obvious and I'd really prefer to tell you about all those things in person, or at least on the phone. So hear I go on a topic that can not be directly related to anything, but we all know the truth.

It's the giggles that make these small creatures things of beauty. When you watch a whole gaggle of them, all giggling in different tones it almost feels as if you're attending a grand symphony comprised completely of sweet little jokes and humorous faces. As you walk away from the gaggle of these creatures you can not help but chuckle yourself. You'll find yourself smiling bigger and brighter then ever before. It's almost as if life has suddenly become more enjoyable just because you know they exist.

Here and Now

Why am I here? Is it really that much better? Do I have more friends here? Do I have more fun here? How can I truly tell? The last few months in Oregon were horribly clouded, whether it is for the better or the worse. Looking back at it you wouldn't be able to get an unbiased response from me. For so long it was great, until the very end when it was crap. Is that why I'm here? Is it because back there was so reminiscent of hurt?

I have plenty of questions and I know I'm the only one that can really even begin to answer it. But at the same time I don't know what to say. I don't know the answers. I'm just confused and wandering. I mean there have been plenty of good times here. There are people that enjoy me being here, but in the end, I'm still in the exact same place at midnight, sitting here in front of my computer with absolutely nothing to do.

The conclusion? There isn't one. This is something I will grate upon my mind for the next few months until I can make a final decision.