Gaggles of Giggles

I could write all about you, how you make me feel, how I can't get you out of my head, or how I sometimes think you're too good for me. But honestly that would be way too obvious and I'd really prefer to tell you about all those things in person, or at least on the phone. So hear I go on a topic that can not be directly related to anything, but we all know the truth.

It's the giggles that make these small creatures things of beauty. When you watch a whole gaggle of them, all giggling in different tones it almost feels as if you're attending a grand symphony comprised completely of sweet little jokes and humorous faces. As you walk away from the gaggle of these creatures you can not help but chuckle yourself. You'll find yourself smiling bigger and brighter then ever before. It's almost as if life has suddenly become more enjoyable just because you know they exist.

Here and Now

Why am I here? Is it really that much better? Do I have more friends here? Do I have more fun here? How can I truly tell? The last few months in Oregon were horribly clouded, whether it is for the better or the worse. Looking back at it you wouldn't be able to get an unbiased response from me. For so long it was great, until the very end when it was crap. Is that why I'm here? Is it because back there was so reminiscent of hurt?

I have plenty of questions and I know I'm the only one that can really even begin to answer it. But at the same time I don't know what to say. I don't know the answers. I'm just confused and wandering. I mean there have been plenty of good times here. There are people that enjoy me being here, but in the end, I'm still in the exact same place at midnight, sitting here in front of my computer with absolutely nothing to do.

The conclusion? There isn't one. This is something I will grate upon my mind for the next few months until I can make a final decision.

Life in the Passenger Seat

We all sit around waiting for something spectacular to happen to us, but we never take a moment to sit back and look at thing from the bigger picture. We never see all the events passing by us why we sit still. Sure every once in a while an event will collide with our daily path, but truly this is nothing compared to the pandemonium that we can get ourselves involved in.

I'm tired of this regular current I ride every day, I'm ready to take a step into the deep end and see how well I swim. But how do I jump into it all? How do I make things happen to me? I'm much too used to sitting and watching I've forgotten how to live.

But then again have I ever lived? All my memories of travel and the rest of life I have been watching from somewhere not quite there. Watching as if I was someone else doing all the things I did. It's as if I have an autopilot when it comes to true life. A mode I switch on so I can watch my actions like a movie. Because really isn't that what really living feels like; nothing more then a realistic movie.

I can't focus.

Tick-tock until the ring-ring, you're never going to see it coming.

Please just let me out of this place and go on with your little life. Fall like you will from a star so high up that you will near actually see this abyss until you hit it.

Pull all of everything away from anything you may know as anything but yes. Try to pull it together as the clock goes tick-tock.

Maybe we know exactly what's going to happen when we all fade from this earth, but I can guarantee you I will not be here waiting. I will be long past in more ways then one, just quietly waiting to see all of you come.

We all get taken from our one true path in an attempt to see what we may want to in the exact way we came from.

Call it what you will but you will never be called in to see exactly what you want to. Call it everything you ever wanted but we all know it is just your end.

Time is in question today.

Love is like a vicious raindrop falling from the clouds of acidic breath.
Never growing into anything more then a pair of turned up trench coats.
Bless this place like it was a temple to the goddess that lives in you.
Don't forget everything that we forgot to say back the way we came from.
Believe in everything that you see when you are trying to see the stars.
Live like we'll be alone in three short hours of dull and uselessness.
Question my motives like I was going to tell you about a pot of gold.
Time moves like a backwards clock full of pieces of scalding hot calzone.

A hint of Joy

Here I am


But there I was



Don't ever forget how things happen
This can be what we call
Exactly what we want it to be
Don’t be afraid of the smaller things

This is the one place that doesn’t matter

Truth be told about all of it
Don’t run too far
Leave everything behind


Go

Randoms

The flowers occupy the background in such a manner you would never expect to see them unless you were there. It's like they exist almost one a different level of consciousness.

I have a scrape across my lower back, but I can't feel it at all, so really it doesn't even begin to bother me at this point. I can't feel it because it is on the part of my back that has nerve damage from hitting a tree. I just find it amusing that something like that can happen. You damage yourself and don't even notice it through the scars. I think this exists on more levels then just the physical.

Today I drew two symbols on my hand. I don't think they mean anything, but at the same time they were put there as a reminder, and they have served their purpose, yet they remain. The only thing I can think of is that they have a deeper purpose that will be revealed on a later date.

What I am

I'm tired, of what I don't know.
The rest I need I can not get.
I'm wasted, on what I can't remember.
The sobering thoughts will not come.
I'm confused, why is still a question.
The clarity won't reveal itself.
I'm disappointed, with whom I can not tell.
The reasons are much too fuzzy.
I'm blank, for I am hiding,
because that is what I do.

How many voices are there?

Sure he's had a couple drinks, but just look at his eyes... They're truthful. You know he will never tell you a lie. But is that the salesman inside of himself? Yes quite perhaps, his eyes are made to drill into your head. But you know how he feels about you don't you? Well perhaps, maybe, I really don't know anymore. I don't blame you, he can't tell either, and it’s been quite surprisingly hard on him. I mean, look at his eyes, do those look like eyes that sleep well? Are you saying he traveled 1500 miles to sleep restlessly? No, not just for that, but to get a new start. The restlessness at night is just a cruel side effect of leaving everything in another state. Does he seem like he has before? I really can't tell, he's a new person, he could be close to death over this situation and he'd still smile, he really has no fears. Isn't that dangerous? Well, yes but he doesn't care. I think he's ready for death. If he were to die right now he could go only feeling bad for the people he left behind. But isn't that just wrong to want to die? Well, he doesn't want to die, he just could tolerate it right now, and while he's alive he wants to live like he is alive. But he isn't living like that right now. True, but he wants to, he wants to be truly happy all the time, not just a facade that he puts on whenever he needs to deal with people. Well that seems like a kind of crumby situation. It is, but he manages, in a short while he will truly settle in and things should go smoothly until he wants to mess shit up again. That really does sound like him, can't be content with anything, for contentment is acceptance, and acceptance means you've given up. Maybe that is true, but I think he's really only looking for a place that he can tolerate for more than a short period of time. Damn he tastes of beer, I'll never get used to that. No worries, it's better then the rum he will burp up for hours on end. True, but he never drank before. Like I said, he's a completely different person now he does everything differently. He lives, he loves, and he sleeps, all differently. Did you notice his stomach has gotten so much smaller? He really is different, but not so much, he still has the same outlets, he still hates being alone. True, but those are things he uses for comfort, or at least things he uses to seek comfort. What about her? Like I was saying before, he's confused about her. He’ll be glad if he so much as talks to her. Is it really that bad between them? Well it's not bad, just confusing. Bitter sweet to say. He craves her but doesn't know if that's what he wants anymore. Confusing isn't it? It's only because he can't read her. But what's that to matter? If it will work it won't matter. Yes, but he is just afraid. He may not have any true fears, but this, girls, they make him squirm. It's sad really. He's getting tired; let us go narrate his dreams.

What happens to be on my head.

I am lonely. I admit this only because this is me right now. I know it's rather stupid for me to feel so down because of something to trivial, but I do. I think it might be of the memories I have of being with someone. No, not the cuddles and the kisses, but don't get me wrong those are nice. I'm talking about just how much nicer the air is, how much greener the grass is. I don't even necessarily want to be "with" someone, although that would be nice. I just want people who I can sit around with and just know that they're cool and they're there for me.

I like to cook. The only problem I have with cooking is figuring out what to cook. If someone puts down all the ingredients in front of me and says "Make this." I'll have no problem at all; in fact I'll enjoy it. But when it comes to me making something myself I always get stuck, never really know where to start. Half the time when I make anything though people always like it. It's really rather scary.

I just hit keys randomly sometimes when I'm typing and words that I don't even know why I'm typing them come out. It's kinda strange especially since they are real words they just haven’t gone through my head when I actually type them. Sometime I want to type without thinking at all and see what I end up writing. Knowing my head it should be semi-entertaining.

I hope you too feel like this

Swirls of color around the plane of vision, twisting and spinning in ways that one might not think possible. Greens, blues and purples, all transform into warmer colors and then back again while touching just on the edge of colors one could not comprehend. The colors travel through the air like sound, with every shift another hum or click. The yellows whining at a painfully high pitch while the deeps blues are the purest form of bass one could expect. Filled with the beautifully orchestrated sounds of the rainbow.

The Way We Live

Pieces of trash fall from the sky, fluttering like fluffy snowflakes caught in the current of a passing car. The refuse stacks up slowly, in the corners at first but after a few short minutes the entire in between is filled. Cigarette butts, old newspapers, soda cans, and condom wrappers are all accountable for the piles, none of it much use as of right now. Every one has it's story, stories of passing strangers and better going-ons. None of them quite expected to pile up next to some young couples passionate love. None of them expecting to be so tossed aside.