Frozen

The wind scrubs the sidewalk as the street lights bleach it. Only with that contrast do I notice how dark my heart has become. The ice is in my veins and I care not about cold. The crystals make up an elaborate design to distract while you slip. Laying on the ground, concussion in full force, it steals from you; life, your warmth, your blood, frozen into something that will not return.

My fingers are frozen now, yet that does not bother the unfeeling. My blood is thickening, although it still flows. My heart is darkening, but that is for a different reason.

The street lights bleach the sidewalks that hide the ice. And that is the contrast I need.

I am not the person I once was

I had an especially odd feeling today, the feeling of change.

Some times we take for granted living in the now, living in a state of mind that we don't think about the past and we ignore what is happening.

Two years ago I crashed a car, one year ago I was getting ready to board a flight for New Zealand. This year I'm just sitting here having a relatively unmemorable holiday.

I am so far away from where I was the last two years, as a person I have changed immensely and can look back at some of the decisions I made and make better ones today.

I've also been dating myself. It seems like everyday I'm picking up a shirt or seeing a Friend and thinking "I've had this shirt since High school, it 7 years old." or "We've known each other since middle school, that's like 10 years." Its odd to think about how fast all this time has gone by. Back in school if I would have heard 10 years from now I'd be drinking beer with so and so, I would have chuckled and said yeah, okay, how far away that is. But in all reality its not that far off, and in 10 years i hope to be drinking beer with the same person.

Change and time are both rather interesting things.

Fatigue

Fatigue.
This feeling was once loved of me, I felt like I was so close to being invincible just by being tired.
I can't do it anymore, it gets late and my eyes start to sink, I can feel sleep knocking and I know that would be nice to answer.

Perhaps I have no more good reasons to be awake, to keep myself going.
I don't know I could make a lot of bad connections to this, but for the time being I think I will just fade off to sleep.

The buildings that we call poems.

Where are we?
On this planet,
in this town.
Without a hope for peace.

This is a sad day,
one of regrets and chaos,
one that means absolutely nothing in the end.

Flowers will cry.
Stars will create life
within their explosions.
We will fall down.

Let us rise against
those who surpress us,
the ones that try to make us hungry
for false informatiion and sex.
We can be heard.

I will be just as quiet
as those stars,
those flowers,
those falls.

This is all.

Do you ever wonder about your destiny? Wonder what’s actually going on? Here I am, I’ve been told most of my life that I’m different. That I’m special, that I do things differently. But why? Is it the same usual bullshit someone will tell you when they want you to feel better about your shortcomings? Or is it actual truth? Am I really that special of a person?

I will admit I feel special, but I also feel that everyone wants to feel special in some way or another. I mean who wants to be “normal”? I felt like that for a long while, but then at the same time I have a lot of people telling me things like “I’m always glad to be around you” and “I’m happy you’re you” Now this could be just general compliments, but when it comes from people that may not have the most “normal” views on life it makes me feel like there might actually be something to all this bullshit “good” feelings. Maybe I am just a weirdo.

That is all.

Attempted Redemption of a Dirtbag

What is it about me? Why Do I decide one thing in my head and then within three beers suddenly my original idea is null and void? Can I really not control myself under intoxication? I've always considered myself strong willed, but am I really? I'm very stubborn that will never change, but maybe my will isn't as strong as I thought it once was. It's my vices... I would have never thought that I'd have vices, I guess that was my biggest mistake in the first place. Booze and women, like so many others that have fallen for the same two things. The biggest problem is one usually leads to the other, I find that avoiding girls while sober is rather easy, I can flirt but usually give way to my awkwardness and it never become more than giggles. Get two beers in me, and suddenly her watch is something I can start a conversation with, my beard is something that seals the deal with her never have kissing one before. It's great if I'm looking, but in the end it's looking in the wrong places, forming a relationship in one night, that would have never amounted to anything if it wasn't for those two or three beers. Luckily for me I have been smart enough to know when to stop, admittedly there have been more than once where my judgement has lapsed more than I would like. But in the end it's in the past. I don't look down on myself for what I've done, but what I've told myself.

There is one thing that could change it all, being love, but it's for a girl that right now I have no idea if even thinks of me. This isn't the usual staring across the coffee shop wishing to have the courage to talk. No, this is a girl who I love and have loved. At one point she said she loved me. But being the dumb boy that I am I threw it all away for pretty much nothing, a few drinks and a lapse in judgement. She forgave me once and then I messed it up again, in pretty much the same manner. For a time I thought we were separate and friends but that proved very wrong. She was still watching me, even while she had her own boyfriend she still had expectation of me "as a friend" she would claim. I hold nothing against her, I find somethings odd, but I have nothing but love for her. After all the times she's forgave me it's the least I can do. One day she put a very large crack threw my heart, saying we shouldn't even talk for the time. This hurt me a lot, although I can only imagine it's nothing compared to how I made her feel. Ever since that day (and many before it) I think of her everyday. Sometimes its little things that make remind me of her, other days its like right now, with me reflecting on how much I don't deserve her.

As I started on about love I guess I should do a better job at connecting my vices and my love. If I knew that I would have her back, even in years, I would never so much as kiss another woman. Drinking is something that I will not give up anytime soon, being as it is my chosen career path, but even then I can moderate myself, and for love that would be easy as turning off a tap. I very well know I should go about changing my ways just the same, and I do try. But why for? I don't want to stop looking for a companion just to realize two years down the line I should have been. No, this is all bullshit. I know very well I need to follow my heart, even if it is into a dead end. I guess the biggest thing is that I get lonely, and when I get too lonely I get depressed. This is why I like fighting fires. My summer is so occupied with work I haven't time to get lonely, why do you think I dread my days off? I have nothing to occupy myself with, and more often than not I turn to my vices.

I wish there was an easy way to put everything right, but I very well know that there is not, this is life, if it was easy what would the fun be? I'm always up for the challenge so I might as well start now, being "good". Finding other things to fill my time, only enjoying one or two beers a night, only letting myself get drunk one night a month, and not caring if I miss it. But even then not getting out of control, just getting pleasant with good people, after all I'm young, I should still enjoy things. I should say women are now out of the picture, but I know that would be stupid in ways. So as a good rule, take it slowly, snails pace if not slower.

Why do I write all this? It's what I felt like writing when I sat down. Who is going to read this? Maybe nobody, although there are some people that used to read my blog, maybe they will, of course they are good friends and should know a great deal about this, even if this is how they find out. There is one person who will read this and it may mean something to them, or they may dismiss it as more bullshit from the mouth of a dirtbag. After all I will admit to being a dirtbag. No matter who reads this thanks for taking the time to do it, I wish you the best.

Hold back

I am the bad guy
The sleezy dirtbag
Never even knowing it

But it's true
I never wanted to be
In my head I was right
Out here I am still wrong.

You'll read this
And I'll cry.

There is a problem with being right
I can't stand being wrong
It's a problem

I was a knight
A dark one perhaps
With secrets
All for not

You were right
And that pains me