There is something about actually living that makes everything else just sorta fall by the roadside.
Life is so amazing, actually feeling the blood not just pumping but rushing through your veins is something that we should all feel everyday. You see things in completely different lights, the things you walked underneath every single day suddenly become something you stop and admire.
There is a small symphony in my head and it is playing the most amazing melody I've ever heard.
2008-09-29
2008-09-22
Left for the Right Field
I have yet to see anything of any real use come out of me for a time.
Why? Is the question I ask. The answer I receive does not come to me, for it is lacking heart and heat.
We will go on of course, but not after telling a story of several individuals.
I'll go ahead and say it, I am dilemma'd beyond what I know what to do. And I am only dilemma'd because of my utter lack of tact and fear of that lack messing up more then I'd like it to.
Deeper we go.
Let’s say that I cared for someone immensely, and they just stood there and called for me. The call was in some other language and I could not tell what it meant. So here I am, trying to get closer just so I can understand what is going on, all the while this person, (she) is creating a more and more, less comprehendible call. So there I am just getting further from her as I take steps closer. The question will remain and I will be confused. I will go to great lengths for shear uncertainties, all for what? The same chance I'd have before those risks.
I don't know what I just said, take it how you will.
On a lighter note I want to go sky-diving.
Why? Is the question I ask. The answer I receive does not come to me, for it is lacking heart and heat.
We will go on of course, but not after telling a story of several individuals.
I'll go ahead and say it, I am dilemma'd beyond what I know what to do. And I am only dilemma'd because of my utter lack of tact and fear of that lack messing up more then I'd like it to.
Deeper we go.
Let’s say that I cared for someone immensely, and they just stood there and called for me. The call was in some other language and I could not tell what it meant. So here I am, trying to get closer just so I can understand what is going on, all the while this person, (she) is creating a more and more, less comprehendible call. So there I am just getting further from her as I take steps closer. The question will remain and I will be confused. I will go to great lengths for shear uncertainties, all for what? The same chance I'd have before those risks.
I don't know what I just said, take it how you will.
On a lighter note I want to go sky-diving.
2008-09-06
All the way since January
There have been many times when I forget about this place and today would almost have been one if it was not for Ecuador.
So here I am, sitting and typing, I feel like you do after a long day in the sun, not so much tired as burnt-out, but definitely tired. I hope you all know what I mean. It also currently feels like I got in half of a fight, between the bruises on my jaw line, and the scraps in random parts of my body. All of this from one bottle of champagne. Champagne is wonderful, definitely my choice beverage for getting fucked up on. So I think that you all might want me to get on with the story, so here it goes...
There I was standing it the middle of the forest, not actually wanting to be there for I knew bad things were to come of it. What bad things? I can't verbalize or vocalize the horror of these things other then they might just be the most amazing things ever. So there I was in the forest, realizing that not wanting to be there was why I was there, I was there to know these things I was there to let it wash over me, I was there to find happiness.
The happiness was wrapped in a few layers and one of which was resentment, another jealousy, and more still were they flowing. These are not things you’d associate with happiness because you can't normally see through them, but the more you seek out these things the more you realize that the happiness is behind the scales. You don't want to feel these things but you can't help it. And then I died.
I don't know what killed me, it was like a gunshot, out of nowhere and I can still feel the wound. I bled out all of my joy and malice, all of my hard ache and camaraderie, I was empty for a time, and time passed.
Crying was what happened, but not the kind for tears, cries for help, cries for someone to share this experience with, and there I was, hoping to have someone come and tell me that they knew, that they were in the forest too, that they had seen my pool of self and had washed it with me.
There was something there that helped me. Something entirely beyond physical comprehension, that was telling me where to dig the bullet out. So I was there letting myself be controlled by this thing without knowing that it was building a cage around me as I healed. A cage that one could get out of with a simple slip of the hand, but if you didn’t know the handshake you'd be left for dead. And all I could do was wait.
I'm waiting right now, and I know nothing. I am on the verge of tears, my heart is already bleeding. Why for, you may ask? All I can tell you is that it's a dilemma, a lot of dilemma.
So here I am, sitting and typing, I feel like you do after a long day in the sun, not so much tired as burnt-out, but definitely tired. I hope you all know what I mean. It also currently feels like I got in half of a fight, between the bruises on my jaw line, and the scraps in random parts of my body. All of this from one bottle of champagne. Champagne is wonderful, definitely my choice beverage for getting fucked up on. So I think that you all might want me to get on with the story, so here it goes...
There I was standing it the middle of the forest, not actually wanting to be there for I knew bad things were to come of it. What bad things? I can't verbalize or vocalize the horror of these things other then they might just be the most amazing things ever. So there I was in the forest, realizing that not wanting to be there was why I was there, I was there to know these things I was there to let it wash over me, I was there to find happiness.
The happiness was wrapped in a few layers and one of which was resentment, another jealousy, and more still were they flowing. These are not things you’d associate with happiness because you can't normally see through them, but the more you seek out these things the more you realize that the happiness is behind the scales. You don't want to feel these things but you can't help it. And then I died.
I don't know what killed me, it was like a gunshot, out of nowhere and I can still feel the wound. I bled out all of my joy and malice, all of my hard ache and camaraderie, I was empty for a time, and time passed.
Crying was what happened, but not the kind for tears, cries for help, cries for someone to share this experience with, and there I was, hoping to have someone come and tell me that they knew, that they were in the forest too, that they had seen my pool of self and had washed it with me.
There was something there that helped me. Something entirely beyond physical comprehension, that was telling me where to dig the bullet out. So I was there letting myself be controlled by this thing without knowing that it was building a cage around me as I healed. A cage that one could get out of with a simple slip of the hand, but if you didn’t know the handshake you'd be left for dead. And all I could do was wait.
I'm waiting right now, and I know nothing. I am on the verge of tears, my heart is already bleeding. Why for, you may ask? All I can tell you is that it's a dilemma, a lot of dilemma.
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