Here and Now

Why am I here? Is it really that much better? Do I have more friends here? Do I have more fun here? How can I truly tell? The last few months in Oregon were horribly clouded, whether it is for the better or the worse. Looking back at it you wouldn't be able to get an unbiased response from me. For so long it was great, until the very end when it was crap. Is that why I'm here? Is it because back there was so reminiscent of hurt?

I have plenty of questions and I know I'm the only one that can really even begin to answer it. But at the same time I don't know what to say. I don't know the answers. I'm just confused and wandering. I mean there have been plenty of good times here. There are people that enjoy me being here, but in the end, I'm still in the exact same place at midnight, sitting here in front of my computer with absolutely nothing to do.

The conclusion? There isn't one. This is something I will grate upon my mind for the next few months until I can make a final decision.

Life in the Passenger Seat

We all sit around waiting for something spectacular to happen to us, but we never take a moment to sit back and look at thing from the bigger picture. We never see all the events passing by us why we sit still. Sure every once in a while an event will collide with our daily path, but truly this is nothing compared to the pandemonium that we can get ourselves involved in.

I'm tired of this regular current I ride every day, I'm ready to take a step into the deep end and see how well I swim. But how do I jump into it all? How do I make things happen to me? I'm much too used to sitting and watching I've forgotten how to live.

But then again have I ever lived? All my memories of travel and the rest of life I have been watching from somewhere not quite there. Watching as if I was someone else doing all the things I did. It's as if I have an autopilot when it comes to true life. A mode I switch on so I can watch my actions like a movie. Because really isn't that what really living feels like; nothing more then a realistic movie.

I can't focus.

Tick-tock until the ring-ring, you're never going to see it coming.

Please just let me out of this place and go on with your little life. Fall like you will from a star so high up that you will near actually see this abyss until you hit it.

Pull all of everything away from anything you may know as anything but yes. Try to pull it together as the clock goes tick-tock.

Maybe we know exactly what's going to happen when we all fade from this earth, but I can guarantee you I will not be here waiting. I will be long past in more ways then one, just quietly waiting to see all of you come.

We all get taken from our one true path in an attempt to see what we may want to in the exact way we came from.

Call it what you will but you will never be called in to see exactly what you want to. Call it everything you ever wanted but we all know it is just your end.

Time is in question today.

Love is like a vicious raindrop falling from the clouds of acidic breath.
Never growing into anything more then a pair of turned up trench coats.
Bless this place like it was a temple to the goddess that lives in you.
Don't forget everything that we forgot to say back the way we came from.
Believe in everything that you see when you are trying to see the stars.
Live like we'll be alone in three short hours of dull and uselessness.
Question my motives like I was going to tell you about a pot of gold.
Time moves like a backwards clock full of pieces of scalding hot calzone.

A hint of Joy

Here I am


But there I was



Don't ever forget how things happen
This can be what we call
Exactly what we want it to be
Don’t be afraid of the smaller things

This is the one place that doesn’t matter

Truth be told about all of it
Don’t run too far
Leave everything behind


Go

Randoms

The flowers occupy the background in such a manner you would never expect to see them unless you were there. It's like they exist almost one a different level of consciousness.

I have a scrape across my lower back, but I can't feel it at all, so really it doesn't even begin to bother me at this point. I can't feel it because it is on the part of my back that has nerve damage from hitting a tree. I just find it amusing that something like that can happen. You damage yourself and don't even notice it through the scars. I think this exists on more levels then just the physical.

Today I drew two symbols on my hand. I don't think they mean anything, but at the same time they were put there as a reminder, and they have served their purpose, yet they remain. The only thing I can think of is that they have a deeper purpose that will be revealed on a later date.

What I am

I'm tired, of what I don't know.
The rest I need I can not get.
I'm wasted, on what I can't remember.
The sobering thoughts will not come.
I'm confused, why is still a question.
The clarity won't reveal itself.
I'm disappointed, with whom I can not tell.
The reasons are much too fuzzy.
I'm blank, for I am hiding,
because that is what I do.