Joy

There is something about actually living that makes everything else just sorta fall by the roadside.

Life is so amazing, actually feeling the blood not just pumping but rushing through your veins is something that we should all feel everyday. You see things in completely different lights, the things you walked underneath every single day suddenly become something you stop and admire.

There is a small symphony in my head and it is playing the most amazing melody I've ever heard.

Left for the Right Field

I have yet to see anything of any real use come out of me for a time.

Why? Is the question I ask. The answer I receive does not come to me, for it is lacking heart and heat.

We will go on of course, but not after telling a story of several individuals.

I'll go ahead and say it, I am dilemma'd beyond what I know what to do. And I am only dilemma'd because of my utter lack of tact and fear of that lack messing up more then I'd like it to.

Deeper we go.

Let’s say that I cared for someone immensely, and they just stood there and called for me. The call was in some other language and I could not tell what it meant. So here I am, trying to get closer just so I can understand what is going on, all the while this person, (she) is creating a more and more, less comprehendible call. So there I am just getting further from her as I take steps closer. The question will remain and I will be confused. I will go to great lengths for shear uncertainties, all for what? The same chance I'd have before those risks.

I don't know what I just said, take it how you will.

On a lighter note I want to go sky-diving.

All the way since January

There have been many times when I forget about this place and today would almost have been one if it was not for Ecuador.

So here I am, sitting and typing, I feel like you do after a long day in the sun, not so much tired as burnt-out, but definitely tired. I hope you all know what I mean. It also currently feels like I got in half of a fight, between the bruises on my jaw line, and the scraps in random parts of my body. All of this from one bottle of champagne. Champagne is wonderful, definitely my choice beverage for getting fucked up on. So I think that you all might want me to get on with the story, so here it goes...

There I was standing it the middle of the forest, not actually wanting to be there for I knew bad things were to come of it. What bad things? I can't verbalize or vocalize the horror of these things other then they might just be the most amazing things ever. So there I was in the forest, realizing that not wanting to be there was why I was there, I was there to know these things I was there to let it wash over me, I was there to find happiness.

The happiness was wrapped in a few layers and one of which was resentment, another jealousy, and more still were they flowing. These are not things you’d associate with happiness because you can't normally see through them, but the more you seek out these things the more you realize that the happiness is behind the scales. You don't want to feel these things but you can't help it. And then I died.

I don't know what killed me, it was like a gunshot, out of nowhere and I can still feel the wound. I bled out all of my joy and malice, all of my hard ache and camaraderie, I was empty for a time, and time passed.

Crying was what happened, but not the kind for tears, cries for help, cries for someone to share this experience with, and there I was, hoping to have someone come and tell me that they knew, that they were in the forest too, that they had seen my pool of self and had washed it with me.

There was something there that helped me. Something entirely beyond physical comprehension, that was telling me where to dig the bullet out. So I was there letting myself be controlled by this thing without knowing that it was building a cage around me as I healed. A cage that one could get out of with a simple slip of the hand, but if you didn’t know the handshake you'd be left for dead. And all I could do was wait.

I'm waiting right now, and I know nothing. I am on the verge of tears, my heart is already bleeding. Why for, you may ask? All I can tell you is that it's a dilemma, a lot of dilemma.

This moment.

Here I am, the feeling traveling through my body is more intense then anything I have felt in recent years. More real then anything I've ever sensed. The feeling is just so right. If I could put it to words I would not be able to do it justice. Perhaps pictures, sounds, or scents might do a better job. This feeling is like walking to the top of a tall mountain and seeing the vast world below you. This is not intimidating but much rather enlightening to see what you are part of. You see the entirety of the world; almost as if you are part of the trees the clouds and the earth. This feeling is the perfect sound; raindrops pattering around you while there is absolutely no other noise besides the rhythmic breathing of your lungs. The sound is so empty yet so full at the same time you feel as though you are melting away into the raindrops and will soon become part of the life force of the planet. I feel amazing, invincible, and calm. Here I am, feeling more right then anything.

Gaggles of Giggles

I could write all about you, how you make me feel, how I can't get you out of my head, or how I sometimes think you're too good for me. But honestly that would be way too obvious and I'd really prefer to tell you about all those things in person, or at least on the phone. So hear I go on a topic that can not be directly related to anything, but we all know the truth.

It's the giggles that make these small creatures things of beauty. When you watch a whole gaggle of them, all giggling in different tones it almost feels as if you're attending a grand symphony comprised completely of sweet little jokes and humorous faces. As you walk away from the gaggle of these creatures you can not help but chuckle yourself. You'll find yourself smiling bigger and brighter then ever before. It's almost as if life has suddenly become more enjoyable just because you know they exist.

Here and Now

Why am I here? Is it really that much better? Do I have more friends here? Do I have more fun here? How can I truly tell? The last few months in Oregon were horribly clouded, whether it is for the better or the worse. Looking back at it you wouldn't be able to get an unbiased response from me. For so long it was great, until the very end when it was crap. Is that why I'm here? Is it because back there was so reminiscent of hurt?

I have plenty of questions and I know I'm the only one that can really even begin to answer it. But at the same time I don't know what to say. I don't know the answers. I'm just confused and wandering. I mean there have been plenty of good times here. There are people that enjoy me being here, but in the end, I'm still in the exact same place at midnight, sitting here in front of my computer with absolutely nothing to do.

The conclusion? There isn't one. This is something I will grate upon my mind for the next few months until I can make a final decision.

Life in the Passenger Seat

We all sit around waiting for something spectacular to happen to us, but we never take a moment to sit back and look at thing from the bigger picture. We never see all the events passing by us why we sit still. Sure every once in a while an event will collide with our daily path, but truly this is nothing compared to the pandemonium that we can get ourselves involved in.

I'm tired of this regular current I ride every day, I'm ready to take a step into the deep end and see how well I swim. But how do I jump into it all? How do I make things happen to me? I'm much too used to sitting and watching I've forgotten how to live.

But then again have I ever lived? All my memories of travel and the rest of life I have been watching from somewhere not quite there. Watching as if I was someone else doing all the things I did. It's as if I have an autopilot when it comes to true life. A mode I switch on so I can watch my actions like a movie. Because really isn't that what really living feels like; nothing more then a realistic movie.

I can't focus.

Tick-tock until the ring-ring, you're never going to see it coming.

Please just let me out of this place and go on with your little life. Fall like you will from a star so high up that you will near actually see this abyss until you hit it.

Pull all of everything away from anything you may know as anything but yes. Try to pull it together as the clock goes tick-tock.

Maybe we know exactly what's going to happen when we all fade from this earth, but I can guarantee you I will not be here waiting. I will be long past in more ways then one, just quietly waiting to see all of you come.

We all get taken from our one true path in an attempt to see what we may want to in the exact way we came from.

Call it what you will but you will never be called in to see exactly what you want to. Call it everything you ever wanted but we all know it is just your end.

Time is in question today.

Love is like a vicious raindrop falling from the clouds of acidic breath.
Never growing into anything more then a pair of turned up trench coats.
Bless this place like it was a temple to the goddess that lives in you.
Don't forget everything that we forgot to say back the way we came from.
Believe in everything that you see when you are trying to see the stars.
Live like we'll be alone in three short hours of dull and uselessness.
Question my motives like I was going to tell you about a pot of gold.
Time moves like a backwards clock full of pieces of scalding hot calzone.

A hint of Joy

Here I am


But there I was



Don't ever forget how things happen
This can be what we call
Exactly what we want it to be
Don’t be afraid of the smaller things

This is the one place that doesn’t matter

Truth be told about all of it
Don’t run too far
Leave everything behind


Go

Randoms

The flowers occupy the background in such a manner you would never expect to see them unless you were there. It's like they exist almost one a different level of consciousness.

I have a scrape across my lower back, but I can't feel it at all, so really it doesn't even begin to bother me at this point. I can't feel it because it is on the part of my back that has nerve damage from hitting a tree. I just find it amusing that something like that can happen. You damage yourself and don't even notice it through the scars. I think this exists on more levels then just the physical.

Today I drew two symbols on my hand. I don't think they mean anything, but at the same time they were put there as a reminder, and they have served their purpose, yet they remain. The only thing I can think of is that they have a deeper purpose that will be revealed on a later date.

What I am

I'm tired, of what I don't know.
The rest I need I can not get.
I'm wasted, on what I can't remember.
The sobering thoughts will not come.
I'm confused, why is still a question.
The clarity won't reveal itself.
I'm disappointed, with whom I can not tell.
The reasons are much too fuzzy.
I'm blank, for I am hiding,
because that is what I do.