The Grasp

We reached out and grabbed each others hand almost simultaneously. As if there was something bigger controlling the electric impulses that drove our motor functions. Then, acting as one, we leapt.

We fell and I could feel her hand slowly grow tighter, like roots slowly choking an irrigation pipe. She surely felt my hand do the same, leaving the white marks that will soon turn red as the blood flows back into their capillaries. 

We fell forever. And we hit the water in an instant. Neither of us fighting, just letting the water wash over us. I sank like my shoes were made of lead, and my guts nothing but a bowling ball. She floated as if she was made of ping-pong balls and ducks.

We never let go.

Hello Again

In the past five years I have done a lot of living. I've accomplished several life goals, and am already in the process of getting the next few off the ground. I forgot how much I liked to write. I'm not sure if that has been because I've been busy creating other things, or if I just got to a point where I forgot who I was. Probably a little bit of each.

In the current technological landscape of social media and streaming video services it's made it so easy for all of us to forget about, well, just about everything. I've had partners that have laid in bed for hours scrolling through pictures of war, cats, and what their college roommate had for dinner. Conveniently being able to scroll past the negative and focus on the cats. This is far from healthy for our culture as a whole, it's a type of brainwashing. Enabling those that would take advantage of citizens the power to go about unchecked. This is something we need to be willing to change.

Let this be my attempt to rediscover my creativity; something that I dearly miss. Maybe by changing my mentality, and surrounding myself by both creative people and things I will be able to accomplish this. Wish me luck.

This is some of my effort at being creative once again. It's been far too long since I've sat down and typed to my hearts content, well over a year. I read some of my last posts and realize that I am truly not too different from where I was so long ago. The problem I see is that I was different. I've gone full circle. I've been tamed once more by our culture and I can feel the unrest. That is why I'm typing now. What did it, I'm not quite sure, this was my longest period without being tamed but I wonder if this is because I'm itching to move on. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing left for me here. I have to go through the regular motions everyday and that's grating on me. I do love my job but it's all the in between that is getting to me. I've tried to be crafty, I've tried to be active. These are all enjoyable for a time but in the end I find myself wanting to take a nap and not wanting to wake up. When the best solution I've found to this boredom is drinking, I start to worry about myself. I know there is nothing to worry about, I keep myself alive and healthy, but I'm young and should have a little more ambition. I guess this is the start of my awakening. Me rubbing my eyes and seeing that I need to get off my ass. Wish me luck that I find something better than yesterday.

Women and Mortality

Between Women and mortality I am probably one of the more confused people right now.

I honestly don't understand either of these things.

We all die, but its a horrible thing to think about and hear in the news.

We all want to get laid but at times we're picky about who, when, and why.

We read about people dying and think nothing of it.

We flirt and try to impress people we would never want to reproduce with.

Our minds are bad, or at least mine is.

I cry when I read about tragedies.

But I hope for nothing when I go out on dates.

Irony

Why do I worry? It is because of her. Because of her I have to think about everything I do, everything I say everywhere I go. This is not pleasant. I remember when I always thought of her, but that was for the joy of life. I wanted to see her everywhere I went. But this is long vanished. I feel like I am torturing myself at this point, I have no reason to feel like this but I do. Is this horrible feeling love?

Logan, you need to let go. Live in the now. Smile, laugh, joke. It is your only life you need to enjoy it.

Try to let go

My head is a mess, there are two up there, at least. I think one time I counted as many as three. If I talk to myself they start talking back. I am not entirely sure if thise is normal or if it is really even happening. Perhaps I just think rather quickly and its all just one voice. But that doesn't explain the arguements I have with myself.

I know I have two different thought processes. There is one that wants to believe, thinks of fairies and dragons and magical places perhaps in the stars, places where I can be the hero and wander as a perfectly acceptable profession. And the other is on earth, probably working. constantly reminding me that the other doesn't exist and that the only way to get ahead in life is by hard work. The fact that the first process is still around says something about my true inner feelings.

Feelings are another thing. Infact I don't much feel like getting into those right now. Infact I don't think I could if I tried. Creatively I feel lacking as of the last several months, this disappoints me, the fairies are leaving me to my own cage of a mind.

Sometimes I feel like screaming.

I always want to run away.

Lonliness may be normal.

Bluh

There was this litle thing that happened today, it was small and quiet insignificant, but for the last two hours it has gotten me to wondering. I really have no idea what it was besides for maybe a piece of sunshine split open my head and reminded me that i did need to be around. Or perhaps it was the cracks on the sidewalk listen to my footsteps wondering if I needed help. Other things it could have been are, ancient vikings trying to find a good cup of mead, or speck of dust attemping to sprout into a full size llama. My hands are getting tired.

Frozen

The wind scrubs the sidewalk as the street lights bleach it. Only with that contrast do I notice how dark my heart has become. The ice is in my veins and I care not about cold. The crystals make up an elaborate design to distract while you slip. Laying on the ground, concussion in full force, it steals from you; life, your warmth, your blood, frozen into something that will not return.

My fingers are frozen now, yet that does not bother the unfeeling. My blood is thickening, although it still flows. My heart is darkening, but that is for a different reason.

The street lights bleach the sidewalks that hide the ice. And that is the contrast I need.

I am not the person I once was

I had an especially odd feeling today, the feeling of change.

Some times we take for granted living in the now, living in a state of mind that we don't think about the past and we ignore what is happening.

Two years ago I crashed a car, one year ago I was getting ready to board a flight for New Zealand. This year I'm just sitting here having a relatively unmemorable holiday.

I am so far away from where I was the last two years, as a person I have changed immensely and can look back at some of the decisions I made and make better ones today.

I've also been dating myself. It seems like everyday I'm picking up a shirt or seeing a Friend and thinking "I've had this shirt since High school, it 7 years old." or "We've known each other since middle school, that's like 10 years." Its odd to think about how fast all this time has gone by. Back in school if I would have heard 10 years from now I'd be drinking beer with so and so, I would have chuckled and said yeah, okay, how far away that is. But in all reality its not that far off, and in 10 years i hope to be drinking beer with the same person.

Change and time are both rather interesting things.

Fatigue

Fatigue.
This feeling was once loved of me, I felt like I was so close to being invincible just by being tired.
I can't do it anymore, it gets late and my eyes start to sink, I can feel sleep knocking and I know that would be nice to answer.

Perhaps I have no more good reasons to be awake, to keep myself going.
I don't know I could make a lot of bad connections to this, but for the time being I think I will just fade off to sleep.

The buildings that we call poems.

Where are we?
On this planet,
in this town.
Without a hope for peace.

This is a sad day,
one of regrets and chaos,
one that means absolutely nothing in the end.

Flowers will cry.
Stars will create life
within their explosions.
We will fall down.

Let us rise against
those who surpress us,
the ones that try to make us hungry
for false informatiion and sex.
We can be heard.

I will be just as quiet
as those stars,
those flowers,
those falls.

This is all.

Do you ever wonder about your destiny? Wonder what’s actually going on? Here I am, I’ve been told most of my life that I’m different. That I’m special, that I do things differently. But why? Is it the same usual bullshit someone will tell you when they want you to feel better about your shortcomings? Or is it actual truth? Am I really that special of a person?

I will admit I feel special, but I also feel that everyone wants to feel special in some way or another. I mean who wants to be “normal”? I felt like that for a long while, but then at the same time I have a lot of people telling me things like “I’m always glad to be around you” and “I’m happy you’re you” Now this could be just general compliments, but when it comes from people that may not have the most “normal” views on life it makes me feel like there might actually be something to all this bullshit “good” feelings. Maybe I am just a weirdo.

That is all.